remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
