Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize