Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
