i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
