my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
