I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Someone signed my nipple.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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