You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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