I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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