My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
