come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
