So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
