my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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