i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
