Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
