I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
