I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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