I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
