Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
