How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
