my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
