I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
