I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
