My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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