she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
