We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
