if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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