I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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