I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We need a shit load of segways right now
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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