Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize