i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
