pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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