It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
