Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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