The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
