Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
