I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
