My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We need a shit load of segways right now
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
