I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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