i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
