if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
