please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize