my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
