Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
