I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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