Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
