I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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