Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize