So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
