You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
