i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
