I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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