1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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