Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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