The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
