Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
