someone get that fucking seahorse.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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