She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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