I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
