I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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