I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
