hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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