Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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